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Big Brown did today in the Preakness what most horses who are destined for greatness -- chew up the competition and make it look easy.
This horse is scary, and when the cocky trainer tells you even he is worried about the potential of his horse "bouncing" (a term associated to not performing well after a great race) and the horse ends up running like Pegasus on high test, then, ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the Belmont!
Thirty years and a half-dozen 'almosts' have gone by since we crowned a Triple Crown champion, and not since Smarty Jones has there been a buzz in the air in the racing world like there is now.
A date with destiny awaits Big Brown. When you look at all the competition he's faced so far, as well as the new shooters that will line up to play spoiler in June, all that is left is racing luck as the only thing that can stop him. Is Brown big enough to even beat that? Regardless, it is his Triple Crown to lose.
What a horse!
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The Preakness is the middle child of the Triple Crown. That means it is oftentimes forgotten, out of place, considered much different than the first one, and certainly lacking the appeal of the 'baby' of the trio.
Sure, the Derby winner is there to go for a repeat performance. But The Preakness is only a big tease, as history has shown us that a lot happens between the first leg in May and a date with destiny on 'Big Sandy' in June.
The second leg of the Triple Crown? It's over-looked more than the musical guest on the Chappelle Show.
 But the Jan Brady of this group will at least have Big Brown in the corner this year, as the world is once again ready for a champion to be crowned. This finally brings some excitement and star quality to Pimlico on Saturday, as the the undefeated, Richard Dutrow-trained entry has put the home of Boog Powell back on the map.
Big Brown's performance in Louisville is only eclipsed by Dutrow's bravado that his horse is the name we'll see under Affirmed when the next list of Triple Crown winners are in the books.
No one can blame the trainer's confidence, as only a 180-degree Gayego rebound off an horrendous Derby performance (and an act of God) can derail any hope of a Big Brown victory.
Hopefully, we'll all be one step closer to crowning a new champion if things go as they should. But first, remember that this is horse racing; a sport that on an everyday basis breaks many hearts and unfortunately even some bones in the process.
So, we'll be keeping our fingers crossed that Big Brown is truly the real deal with a victory come Saturday.
And after a 30-year layoff, we'll see that Dutrow not only knew what he was saying these past few weeks, but that Marsha will finally take a back seat.
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Despite the tragedy and untimely death of the filly Eight Belles, who ran magnificently against her male foes, this week's running of the 134th Kentucky Derby also featured an incredible performance from Big Brown.
Overcoming speed horses in front of him, and breaking from the impossible post of 20 (the second horse in Derby history to accomplish this feat), Dickie Dutrow's four-legged product placement for UPS was, simply put, a monster!
 Every horse he faced in the Derby is now saying "thanks, but no thanks!" to the Preakness, as they have all dropped out of the second leg of racing's Triple Crown. He's so good, that nobody from last Saturday wants to be humiliated again in Baltimore.
There will be new, fresh, shooters trying to derail Big Brown's run for racing eternity. But like the bunch last Saturday, they better bring their "A" game if they even think about beating this horse to the wire, let alone making the second leg of the Triple Crown a competitive race.
And please say a prayer for the filly who had to be put down that afternoon. While thousands of animal rights activists call for reform with the game, remember that thoroughbred racing, like all other sports, unfortunately has a dark, ugly side that comes out every so often and unwillingly presents itself as the ultimate in reality television.
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When we last met, I was ready to put everything on Tale Of Ekati, the 15-1 morning line longshot trained by Barclay Tagg, even before they drew the post positions! Well, the draw was yesterday, and I'm still sticking with my "Tale" drawing post position No. 2.
 The only problem here is that I thought that Edgar Prado, the best jockey since Cordero, would be his rider in the Derby, as he was in the Wood Memorial. But being married and having to answer to three children as well, I find myself wrong again, as Prado opts to ride the even longer shot (yes, it's a new racing term I just made up) in the name of Adriano. This horse has no shot, so we're still sticking with our pick that is now being ridden by Eibar Coa. Eibar is a very capable rider, but when you can have Prado in these races, you feel more confidant.
That being said, Saturday's Derby picks of Tale Of Ekati, sprinkled in exactas and trifectas with Gayego (post 19, ouch!), Colonel John (in the middle of the pack from post 10), and a new shooter I'm calling off the bench. Originally, I suggested Big Brown be thrown in the mix, but with the worst post position (20 out of 20) I think this speed ball has no shot with other front-runners in front of him.
Therefore -- cue the drum roll -- I am now throwing in Bob Black Jack. Why? He was the runner-up in the Santa Anita Derby, getting caught at the wire at the last minute by Colonel John. But the real reason you New Yorkers have to include this guy is the rider, Richard Migliore.
Richie split for the West Coast last year to beat the cold and have more success in the warmer climate. He did that, and picked up a nice colt in the process. Jack's trainer is James Kasparoff, a guy who sounds more like a chess player than a hard boot, but I say 'double down' on this horse with the other picks I mentioned.
Good luck to you, and you can all thank me later after we cash in!
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Picking what horse to bet on for the Kentucky Derby before the post positions are even drawn, is like agreeing to go on a blind date after the person on the other end of the phone tells you she looks like Pam Anderson. It's not smart and you should, at the very least, wait before you set yourself up for the eventual disappointment.
So with 20 horses set to go in this year's 134th "Run For The Roses," common sense also dictates you first see where your horse will break from what post position before you put your money down; avoiding even more disappointment.
But I never claimed to be a bright person and even if my horses draw post positions where they must run between parked cars at the start of the race, then so be it. It doesn't matter. I will win and collect lots of money after the Derby is pronounced "official." Run the race now. The post position means nothing to me, I'm so sure of myself.
 Here's what I'm putting my 'MSG Bucks' down on:
1) Tale Of Ekati
Trained by Barclay Tagg, the man who brought you Funny Cide, (who, incidentally, I picked to win the Derby back then) this horse is ridden by Edgar Prado, a jockey who could win a stake race with a mule under him. He's the best jockey ANYWHERE and his win in the Wood Memorial after bombing in the Louisiana Derby made me remember why I loved him as a two-year-old, when he captured the Futurity Stakes at Belmont Park last year.
You'll get a good price with this guy and with the following picks below, so let's hope the Tale ain't no fable in Louisville!
2) Colonel John
The safe bet. Thanks to his win in the Santa Anita Derby and the Sham Stakes before that, this horse will probably go off as the favorite. There's no knock on this horse, other than I don't own a piece of him.
A smart trainer in Eoin Harty and a great rider in Garret Gomez, make this son of Tiznow the one to beat. And if you remember Tiznow, you'll also remember he LOVED this distance. The Colonel should be promoted to a General after all is said and done.
3) Gayego
Loved his win in the Arkansas Derby two weeks ago and his game performance, while finishing second in the San Felipe, makes me want to throw this horse in my exacta's and trifecta's.
Never heard of the trainer, Brazilian-born Paulo Lobo, but every New Yorker is familiar with this horse's jockey, Mike Smith, who used to own the game in the '90s. Smith has checked into racing's 'Hotel Obscurity' as of late, but still shows up every now and then for the big races that count (remember Giacomo's win in the Derby at $50-plus bucks?). It makes sense to be there when Mikey and the Boys Of Brazil are there at check-out time.
4) Big Brown
A horse that some feel may not like the distance, but this Richard Dutrow entry got me on board after this son of Boundry won the Florida Derby quite easily.
His rider, Kent Desormeaux, is as good as it gets when the spotlight shines brightly on a major race and you don't get more of a spotlight than the Derby. After the first Saturday in May, you will definitely find out what BROWN can do for you!
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If you're interested in improving your golf swing, finding the hottest new products on the market or just taking some time to get out of the office, then you should have been at the New York Golf Super Show this past weekend.
I went down to the show at Madison Square Garden to see what's out there for myself ...
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What's been the fallout from the greatest Super Bowl upset since the 1969 Jets? You won't believe what reports are coming in!
1) Cab drivers in New York are so ecstatic over the Giants victory, they promise next football season they will give in to showering and not relying on car fresheners to hide their piercing body stench.
2) Inspired by Eli Manning's heroic persona, Spider Man comes back in his next movie and tosses J.J.
Jameson in front of an on-coming F train after he questions his leadership qualities.
3) Barnes and Noble states that Bill Belichick's bio, "It Pays To Be An Arrogant, Smug, Eccentric" is reportedly being replaced by "Hannah Montana - The Experimental Years" as the No. 1 best seller in the Boston area.
 4) Giants G.M. Jerry Reese predicts the Giants will repeat as World Champions next year, and even boldly states they'll go undefeated! To back up this bold statement, he waits until opening day next year and has both of Jeremy Schockey's legs broken, as well as his arms and collarbone. You know, just to make sure.
5) Brady throws a hissy fit at a Phoenix airport when he is reminded that he now has as many Super Bowl losses as children born out of wedlock.
6) New York Senator Charles Schumer, not to be out-done by Arlen Spector, is now claiming his bar mitzvah at Leonards was in fact secretly taped by the Patriots without his family or rabbi knowing about it.
7) Roger Clemens was overheard shouting at a family friend's house, "I gotta get me some of that!" while watching David Tyree make that spectacular catch.
8) Eli, despite being offered some $20 million in endorsements after his MVP award, must legally turn down record-setting offers from Anheuser-Busch as well as Gillette, since he is still two years away from legally drinking and perhaps another three until he starts shaving.
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Working at the racetrack can make one daydream about owning a racehorse one day. I always imagine what I would call my horse if I ever owned one.
I went to the National Jockey Club registry, where every horse who ran (or walked, as in the case of the horses I bet) are listed, and came up with a few suggestions to name my new horse if I hit Lotto this week.
 The names of many champions appeared on the pages in this comprehensive directory, as well as some of the not-so-successful variety.
Maybe their owners knew not to expect great things from their steeds as their names suggest.
Here is a sampling of the ones not found in the Racing Hall Of Fame:
1) Bold Hemmoroid
2) One Lung Lenny
3) Secratearedmygroin
4) Checkforpulse
5) Seattle Stool
6) Rags To More Debt
7) Better Off Scratched
8) Willbegluebytwo
9) Mr. Dissapointment
10) SeabisQUIT
11) The Chafer
12) Mybrothersamule
13) Brittany Spears
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The Eclipse Awards ceremony took place in Beverly Hills last night, and there were really no surprises amongst the winners. But it was interesting to see how everything in the thoroughbred racing universe is always somehow connected ...
"Horse Of The Year" honor went to Curlin, winner of this year's Preakness Stakes and Arkansas Derby.
 Curlin, who earned over $5 million dollars in earnings this year, also hit the awards ‘daily double' by being named "Three-Year Old Of The Year" earlier in the evening.
His trainer, Steve Asmussen, was one of the favorites to win the prestigious "Trainer Of the Year" award. But that honor went to Todd Pletcher, who broke his own single season earnings of over $28 million in 2007 with one of the sport's more powerful stables, including the now infamous filly, Rags To Riches. You'll remember, Rags To Riches won the Belmont Stakes this year.
And speaking of Rags, her regular rider, Garrett Gomez won "Jockey Of The Year." Garrett must have been beaming at the celebration because Indian Blessing was named "Champion Two-Year Old Filly." Plus, Garrett's other mount, Midnight Lute, winner of this year's Breeders Cup Sprint, took home "Champion Sprinter" honors.
Lawyer Ron won "Champion Older Male," and will be remembered by many for his record-setting performance in the Whitney Stakes at Saratoga.
I, for one, will remember Lawyer Ron's defeat in the Jockey Gold Cup as one of the more memorable races of 2007, when he lost by a neck in a great stretch battle to-you guessed it ... Curlin.
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1) Congrats to Goose Gossage being elected into the Hall of Fame.
Now when is he gonna come clean and admit what his trainer really injected into his mustache wax all those years?
2) Tom Brady has won the Offensive Player of the Year award, given by the Associated Press.
I thought the 'no-brainer' was Barry Bonds. Face it -- is there anybody on this planet more offensive than "Ol' Helium Head?"
 3) And speaking of offensive: Mike Martz, recently fired by the Detroit Lions, and before that St. Louis, was named the offensive coordinator of the 49ers.
I guess Ray Handley was asking too much and they went with the next available loser.
4) The Pittsburgh Penguins won their seventh straight game last night by knocking off the Florida Panthers, 3-1 behind the hot goaltending of Ty Conklin.
With last night's victory, the Pens can now lose the next 59 games and STILL make the playoffs as the No. 2 seed in the Eastern Conference's Atlantic Division.
5) Eli Manning thinks his New York Giants will have a "great shot" in Dallas this Sunday.
The last person to make this exact claim and come through was Lee Harvey Oswald in 1963, so you might want to get a bet down on Big Blue this weekend.
6) Joe Gibbs stepped down again as coach for the Washington Redskins.
Lamenting on his illustrious career, Gibbs admitted his greatest triumph wasn't winning three Super Bowls, but in fact his proudest moment came when he somehow managed to keep his post-game meal down after seeing Joe Jacoby naked in the locker room.
7) The city of Boston is so cocky and smug that all their teams are playing well this year. If that isn't the best reason as a New Yorker to vote against Mitt Romney, I don't know what is.
And speaking of Mitt, what's up with that name? I guess when your brother "Jock Strap" and your sister "Spit Ball" are born before you, you're actually grateful what your folks put down on the birth certificate.
Some of the New Year's resolutions of 2008 that I'd like to see from the following people:
1) Carl Pavano
He returns the money he still incredibly receives from the Yankees and donates it all to charity -- keeping the last $10,000 for himself to cover his expenses when he moves to Istanbul, promising to never come near New York again.
2) Barry Bonds
He decides in 2008 to come clean about the size of his balloon head and apologize for being sport's "Most Despised Athlete" of the 21st century.
 3) Curt Schilling
He just shuts up because nobody asked for his opinion in the first place.
4) Ryan Seacrest
Admits to the world he in fact has zero talent. But hey, since when do people with any real talent or meaningful purpose get truly rewarded in this country anyway?
5) Bob Sheppard
His immortal and incredible presence on this planet takes him at least to the new Yankee Stadium.
6) Scott Boras
His tell-all book, "NOW Do You Hate Agents?" coming out this spring.
7) Gary Bettman
More outdoor games next season!
8) The producers of Price Is Right
To sign a contract with America that guarantees they NEVER get rid of 'Plinko.'
9) Rachel Ray
A commitment to bring it down a few notches on the "cute meter." You got the money, now drop the "aw, shucks. I'm soooo happy! have a doughnut" persona. Do we have to wait until you are on EVERY billboard and commercial in America?
10) To that MADMAN in Iran
To take all of the uranium you are claiming that is being used to peacefully power your country and not for nuclear weapons, then plant it in one of those missiles you claim you're not building and use it as a suppository.
Mitch At Large: More funny, less anger.
The Mitchell Report can certainly be described, at the very least, as a bombshell story of such magnitude that nobody expected. It implicated some of the biggest names in baseball involved with the steroid scandal, and has cast doubt on some of the game's greatest players.
But lost in the report were the other findings of what took place behind closed doors in baseball that, both the players and owners, didn't want the public to know.
Here are some of the highlights of those findings:
 At least 30 percent of the players interviewed admitted giggling in the shower after a home win.
- Don Zimmer knew that several Yankee players were towel-snapping unsuspecting ball boys during the 1995-96 season, but never told manager Joe Torre about the hijinks.
- Kevin Brown, who was actually named as one of the people allegedly taking steroids in the report, has nothing to worry about based on his pathetic performance while pitching for the Yankees. In fact, the report actually suggests he is entitled to a refund for his steroid purchases.
- Players who listen to country music in the clubhouse before a game were more likely to misspell their own names during autograph sessions.
- Pete Rose cannot sue Major League Baseball for kicking him out of the sport, but the Mitchell Report found he has a terrific case against his hair stylist.
- Mo Vaughn was not only implicated for steroid use, but for blocking the sun on a number of occasions in 1994, thus canceling games due to freezing conditions.
- Besides random drug testing for cocaine, Major League Baseball should keep an eye on players who attempt to snort the foul lines next season.
- Both the players union and the owners have agreed at least on one major concern for the 2008 season: If Suzyn Waldman is going to announce New York Yankee games, she must lose the Boston accent, case closed!
- George Mitchell himself reminded everyone in baseball that people should be more vigilant in detecting players on steroids, the giant head is a dead give-away…report them immediately!!! But that doesn't include me.. I'm just a natural pumpkin head!
1) Did you see the Redskins-Bears game on the NFL Network last week? That’s OK, nobody else did either. More people in America get Al-Jazeera than the NFL Network.
2) If Barack Obama starts climbing higher in the polls, does this mean Hillary Clinton picks up the phone and asks Judge Joe Brown to stump for her? Time for some “Texas Justice!”
 3) Is it just me, or do you think it’s about time an erectile dysfunctional medication product sponsored a college football bowl game? I wonder what the logo would look like, painted at midfield.
4) Do you think the Dolphins are mailing it in for the rest of the season to get the No. 1 draft pick next year? More importantly, do you think the city of Miami will support a team in 2008 that goes 1-15?
5) Now that Michael Vick is going to prison for killing dogs, wouldn't it be poetic justice if he gets mange while doing time in the slammer? How about we take away his toilet privileges and just put a newspaper down in his cell? That'll teach him.
6) Why are the networks still trying to push NASCAR down our throats in New York? Sure I laugh out loud every time Dick Trickle's name is mentioned. But if I can't bet on it, or if the guy at the stadium next to me has all the charm of a carny, I'll watch C-Span any day over that stuff.
I’ll just come right out and let everyone know what Mitchy is lookin’ to score this Holiday Season.
Those of you who think I’m impossible to track down because of my celebrity status will be glad to know some lucky fans had no problem finding me last year when I got hit with those bogus paternity suits.
Anyway, here’s my short and sweet list for Santa this Christmas:
 1) Broadway’s hottest ticket: “Othello” starring Biz Markie as “O.”
2) The ‘I-Toilet’ from Apple.
3) “The Girls Of Al-Qaeda 2008” Swimsuit Calendar.
4) Goethals Bridge scented candles.
5) “Fat Head” decal of John Madden (only head will fit on basement wall).
6) Chocolate AND strawberry Mike Quick.
7) 1954 Collector’s CD of “Claude Akins: My Gums Are Bleeding.”
8) A new lint tray for my dryer.
9) A new lint tray for my navel.
10) Nostalgic baseball/men’s hygiene DVD, “Showering With Harmon Killebrew."
Sure, you haven't opened your Christmas presents yet, and I'm sure none of you have even gotten off of the computer long enough to buy any gifts.
But I'm here to get an early jump on the rest of the bloggers and writers who get paid a lot of lettuce to tell you what you can expect to happen in the world of sports in 2008.
The only difference between those clowns and me is that I have the one, guaranteed, legitimate source of information to make these predictions hold up ... my Magic 8-Ball.
Laugh if you will. Given to me as a gag gift some years back, my Magic 8-Ball has inexplicably given me the winning lotto numbers in the past six months, correctly predicted the Colorado Rockies would be the National League Champs of 2007, and for reasons I'm still trying to come to terms with, knew that was really a guy in "The Crying Game."
So without any further delay, and with a few shakes of my ball, here are the five biggest sports stories you can make book on in 2008:
1) The New York Yankees, behind ace Johan Santana, win the ALCS by defeating the Boston Red Sox. Alex Rodriguez goes 1-26 in the series, despite hitting an incredible .399 with 48 home runs and 145 RBIs during the regular season.
2) The Los Angeles Dodgers defeat the New York Yankees in the World Series. Joe Torre cries after the last out, and A-Rod goes 2-28 in the series.
3) Ruben Gotay of the New York Mets wins National League MVP honors, despite hitting only .223 and batting in just 18 runs. There is wide speculation throughout the league that his close friendship with Oprah Winfrey might have had some effect on the voting.
4) Chad Pennington, released in the off-season by the Jets, leads the Atlanta Falcons to its first-ever Super Bowl win by completing a record-setting 123 passes in the victory. Statistics will show none of Pennington's passes went for more than three yards on any given play.
5) The National Football League, under heavy criticism that actually started from this blog, wisely decide to drop the NFL Network since nobody gets the NFL Network!
To satisfy and replace the demand for quality sports programming to its subscribers, the Dish Network will now offer never-before-seen programs such as, "Siberian Mule Pulling" and "Fun With John Madden's Eye Brows."
It’s one thing to charge an incredible amount of money to networks that are willing to fork over billions of dollars to show NFL games each season on television, whether it’s on broadcast or cable. This is called Capitalism, and it works especially well in the consumer-driven world of sports.
But when the NFL has the audacity to actually go to an even HIGHER level, and keep certain games to themselves as in the case of the NFL Network, the consumer is not only left unable to watch a game, but is also being called upon by the NFL to be a salesman for them. I’ll back up a little.
 Firs off, the NFL Network is only seen on the Dish Network. Sounds like entertainment for guys in a kitchen. And who gets this service? I don’t live in a bar.
I want to see the Cowboys this Thursday night against the surprising Packers ... at home! But since it’s on the NFL Network, and I’m not planning on using a public restroom that evening, I won’t be able to see it.
So the real question is: Why does the NFL believe that charging over a BILLION dollars a year to broadcast their games isn’t enough to show EVERY NFL game? And why do they repeatedly tell me to call my cable company to get the NFL Network?
How about I don’t even bother calling anyone, and you just air the games on networks that guys like me can watch from their homes! I know FOX, CBS, NBC and ESPN only paid seven figures for the games, but Mr. Goodell, maybe you can throw me a bone and let me watch every game from my sofa this year.
You took care of the Pacman Jones and Michael Vick messes, now get your league that has more money than the United Arab Emirates and Warren Buffet combined to stop gauging us even more. You and your league come off like pigs. Period. Sounds more like Communism than Capitalism.
It’s that time of year to be reflective and appreciative, so here is my sincere list of what I am truly thankful for:
1) Anything microwaveable.
2) Sparky the Dragon washing his outfit every so often before he touches my kids at an Islanders game.
3) Carl Pavano pondering retirement.
 4) My children (until college tuition).
5) People who actually signal on the highway.
6) Millie Melendez of MSG.
7) Tide in a stick (pays for itself after one accident on your shirt, slob!)
8) A dog that can’t speak when I’m feeling gassy and takes the bullet for his master.
9) That dude who invented cable.
10) Last but not least, my health ... Oh, yeah, and no back hair!
Happy Thanksgiving!
1) Do you think Yao Ming got that tall playing with all those lead-filled toys growing up in China?
2) Why are there innocent people rotting in our prisons, yet the scammers who run TV-Land are allowed to be free, despite showing the same 13 Andy Griffith episodes for 11 straight years?
 3) When are the Yankees ever going to have "Horace Clarke Day" at the Stadium?
4) Is it insulting to offer a homeless man a box lunch?
5) Why didn't that guy from Ecko have as one of his options for fans to vote for: "Check here if you want Barry Bonds sent to the moon."
6) Who makes Parent-Teacher Night first, O.J. or Britney?
7) Where can I buy the "Stuart Scott-To-White Man Over 50" Dictionary?
8) If the Cowsills had a fight with the Partridge Family, who would win?
9) Should the DeFranco Family get to take on the winner?
10) Is the world ready for The Garden to bring back, "Sophie's Choice On Ice?"
OK, I think I have a solution for us Yankee fans that are still trying to get over what’s been going on the last few weeks. Our manager is gone and we’re looking at a newly restructured team come April. Some Yankee fans say this is just what the doctor ordered. My thinking is the opposite.
If you are like me and still want the old Joe and not the new one as your team’s skipper, and believe free agency will further remove any recent memories of your favorite Yankees, I have a plan. But you’re going to have to root for the Dodgers as your favorite team now. That’s the only catch. Stay with me on this one.
 Joe Torre, now that he’s managing in Los Angeles, will be our starting point of my master plan. Next, Donnie Baseball and Larry Bowa have both agreed to be part of the Dodger coaching staff, so the management team is in place.
Then comes the “no-brainer” move of signing Jorge Posada, then naturally Andy Pettite two hours later. Wait an hour and get Mariano Rivera to sign on the dotted line, and things are looking up.
Tell A-Rod you don’t mind he forgets how to hit in the postseason and the Dodger fans are more forgiving, so pencil in Mr. Rodriguez as your third baseman next year.
The only snag in my problem is getting Derek Jeter over here. My suggestion is for Jeter to offer “Hanky Steins” his black book of phone numbers that includes every babe Derek’s been with in the past five years, as long as the Yankees agree to let Jeter out of his contract.
Who knows? There have been worse trades made in the majors. Jessica Alba's digits can make a man do strange things!
So take heart, Yankee fans. With some clever maneuvering and shrewd business skills, your new, New
York Yankees can be winners again next year! Just get used to no pinstripes at home and games that end at 2:30 in the morning.
Oh yeah-and no more Carl Pavano!
So Curt Schilling comes out yesterday and says he has no idea who he'd like to pitch for in his final year as a pro, but makes a point to essentially say, "anyone except the Yankees."
Hey, Curt, before I get into ripping you for sport's most distinguished franchise of all time, here's something you should know:
First of all, the Yankees would never allow some wimped-out phony to put ketchup on their sock to simulate they were bleeding, and could still play through the pain. That was about as believable and legitimate as a week night Jai-alai match!
 "Look at me! I'm freakin' bleeding, but I can STILL pitch ... somebody please pass the relish!" That was so courageous on your part. I say we not only give you an automatic entry into Cooperstown, but also your choice of a plot anywhere you choose in Arlington Cemetery.
So why the hair in your butt about the Yankees, anyway? Is it our loyalty to our team, or our complete disregard to transparent, self-indulged idiots like you?
Maybe you just hate the city because the best movies have a NYC reference in them. Did it piss you off that the Statue of Liberty was found washed ashore in "Planet Of The Apes," or would you instead preferred to have Charlton Heston finding Ted Williams' frozen head on the beach?
Does it bother you New York City has the greatest museums, restaurants, clubs, public restrooms in our subway stations ... OK, forget about that last one. You know what I mean!
Your jealousy and envy about the world's greatest city and the world's greatest baseball team is apparent to everyone. You don't have to love us, but stop slamming us.
So stay the hell out of our city with your Heinz 57 sock. All we ask is that wherever you go, please take that chump and Yankee fraud, Carl Pavano with you.
So Alex Rodriguez has decided to test the free agent waters, and along with his equally loyal agent, Scott Boras, the two embark on a new home. But the early word is that the best 'April to September Player' of our time may not have many suitors.
So what's next? You know, baseball isn't the only thing A-Rod can do:
Option #1
A-Rod realizes there is more money in personalized endorsements. Boras hooks up his client with the adult entertainment club, "Scores," where in radio spots Rodriguez "personally guarantees" the press won't catch you with your 'mystery woman' like those Toronto idiots who tipped the press off.
 Rodriguez continues and claims Scores, unlike it's rivals from the north, "lets you carry on unnoticed in the city that never sleeps."
Option #2
Realizing how effective his swatting techniques were against the Red Sox in Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS, Alex decides to open up a chain of self-defense schools for women. Some of the techniques featured for students include, "Slapping Away Excited Men," "Pinch Like You Mean It," and the popular Jackie Chan tactic of "Lethal Noogies."
Option #3
After getting so much positive feedback following his impromptu tanning session in Central Park last year, Rodriguez signs up with the Willamina Modeling Agency and signs on to his favorite type of modeling - runway.
Unfortunately, tragedy strikes the All-Star after a scheduling misunderstanding occurs and Rodriguez mistakenly goes to LaGuardia Airport for his runway assignment while modeling the Marc Jacobs/Spring 2008 line. Then, out of nowhere, A-Rod is immediately sucked up by turbine from a Jet Blue DC-10 attempting to take off to Tampa.
Option #4
Realizing how convincing and better he was than teammate Jorge Posada in those "Yankees In SAP" Spanish-speaking promos, A-Rod decides to join the theater where he can land some great parts and utilize his bilingual talents to the fullest.
Critics applaud his Hebrew accent as Tevye in the revival of "Fiddler On The Roof," but he is later panned and his performance is called "unrealistic" the following year by every Broadway reviewer describing his new, one-man show entitled "The Alex Rodriguez World Series Story."
They've asked me to pick this Friday and Saturday's Breeders' Cup races for you fine people who have an incredible amount of disposable income to throw away for no reason.
I agreed, but I must come clean and tell you how how I came up with my selections. While in a men's room in LaGuardia Airport yesterday, I had Senator Larry Craig in the next stall tap out what horses he liked in each race. So, if any of these horses win, look for Larry's Kentucky Derby blog this May!
Here's what his sole told me:
Breeders' Cup Dirt
- Discreet Cat
- High Finance
- Lewis Michael
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Breeders' Cup Juvenile Turf
- Nownownow
- Prussian
- The Leopard
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Breeders' Cup Filly & Mare Sprint
- Oprah Winney
- Dream Rush
- Miraculous Miss
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Breeders' Cup Juvenile
- Slew's Tiznow
- Tale Of Ekati
- Kodiak Kowboy
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Breeders' Cup Filly & Mare Turf
- Honey Ryder
- Lahudood
- All My Loving
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Breeders' Cup Sprint
- Idiot Proof
- Midnight Lute
- Benny The Bull
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Breeders' Cup Mile
- After Market
- My Typhoon
- Nobiz Like Shobiz
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Breeders' Cup Distaff
- Lady Joanne
- Indian Vale
- Teammate
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Breeders' Cup Turf
- English Channel
- Better Talk Now
- Dylan Thomas
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Breeders' Cup Classic
- Street Sense
- Lawyer Ron
- Hard Spun
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Good luck, and remember: whatever happens, you're already winners in my eyes!
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